To The Girl Who Loved and Lost

You have such a wild heart. Like it’s dying to be freed from the cage of silence and stillness.

You just want to love. To give this love that your wild heart kept and dying to receive this love that you wanted ever since you’re just a young lady.

You gave your heart easily to anyone who promises to take care of it. To anyone who seems to have the potential. After all, love involves taking risks right?

So you took this risk, jumped off the cliff of this new found love, even you were so scared of drowning again. The fall is so high, like the feeling you had at first. Like nothing could go wrong, like everything seems so right. You feel like flying, soaring in the clouds as you fall harder and deeper on this feeling. You got so high to this emotion that you thought was so new, yet familiar at the same time.

Once again, you felt special, loved, valued. Like your dreams are within your arms-reach.  It felt like everything you’ve hoped for, like the princess in a fairy tale, you thought that finally, God has given you your Prince Charming.

And yet, you still have fears that cannot be conquered by his sword – his words. You found yourself still deeply frightened of getting bruised and crushed again.

But then, you give your trust. Little by little, you break down your walls. Holding on to the promises, words of a man that you thought can be kept. Again, you held on to that hope that maybe, he is the one, maybe he is able to keep you from drowning, maybe he can even teach you how to swim in this ocean.

But you are still afraid of drowning, of being let go again, to be let down again.

So you cling to him, for your dear life. Hoping each moment that he won’t let go of your hand, you had this illusion that you are in control of your situation. You based your security on temporary ideas, things, person, feelings. You became someone you promised yourself you won’t be. Since your basis of your security are temporary, you know at the back of your mind, it isn’t right.

The irony is yes, you had faith. But not on God, instead, faith on your decision. That this time, maybe, just maybe, you’ll get things right. It will be right.

Until it was proven to you, that no, it’s still wrong. It’s wrong to base your security on people alone. It’s so wrong to lose your faith in God. It’s wrong to lose yourself in the relationship. It’s wrong, for you to kick Jesus out of the picture. To put other people, situations, things, in the throne of your heart where only God should be in. It’s even wrong to try to fit another person into the place where only God can fit.

It was almost instant, unexpected, you found yourself drowning. Gasping for air, desperately wanting to float and fly again.

You realized, that you are submerged on the wrong water. That’s why you never learned how to swim in it. You called for help, cried, pleaded, shouted at the top of your lungs.

Then your Life-Saver came and pulled you out of the water. He rescued you once again from the pain that seemed to be never ending. From losing your life, drowning from this wrong water that had this strong pull in you. From the waves of life’s hurts and disappointments that can crush you.

And there you are, found your breath again. You were back again in the shore, tired, but not lifeless. Broken, but breathing. Hurting, and healing at the same time. You learned to cling on your Savior again, on the eternal instead of the temporal.

He took you out of the water and placed you back to the shore, cleanse you and breathe in life in your dead soul. You found your life again, and it was not the same. It is new, it is so different from the life you used to have. It is filled with this incredible peace and joy. It is beautiful, satisfying. A new ocean, a living water. It was over flowing with love, its waves are overtaking you with so much beauty. It is renewing, refreshing, thirst-quenching.

You found this perfect love – a love you’ve always wanted, you’ve been seeking your whole life. A genuine, self-sacrificing, better-than-life kind of love. It is the love you’ve found before, but lost sight of, and this love is back again, presenting itself in the most undeniable way.

This love that kept on pursuing you, even after you said your “Yes”, this love that keeps on chasing you even through your unfaithfulness. This love that welcomes you back with warmth and passion. This love that is Unchanging, Relentless, Gracious and Kind. The love that your heart longs for – the God kind of love.

“This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.” -1 John 4:10

Dearest, you loved because you are created to love. Your heart is designed to give the love that you receive. Sweet girl, you lost the love because you are to be found by the Truest kind of Love. You are to re-discover this Love that satisfies. This love that no earthly relationship can ever complete you, this heavenly love that will make you whole. This love that heals and transforms.

You lost the love because it was not meant to last. Nothing that is not from God is meant to last. You’ve proved that many times, and this ending is one of the proofs that God gives not as the world gives.

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.” – John 14:27

You loved and you lost because simply, it was not for you to begin with. But God, in His richest mercy, intervened. For you to come to that point of utter surrender, to see and experience that nothing, no one in this world can every satisfy your heart. Nothing, but the love of Jesus Christ.

“He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, He has put eternity into man’s heart ” – Ecclesiastes 3:11a

The once, empty hole in your heart, that you’ve been trying to fill with temporary people, things of this world, is now filled with the Perfect Piece – Jesus. And you know, you are now complete, lacking in nothing.

To the Girl Who is Still Hurting

Hey,

It’s okay. Cry it out.

You don’t have to fake a smile, nor wear a mask and try to be strong here.

You can cry for hours if you want to.

Or until your eyes run dry and all that is left is the heavy pain inside your heart.

Release it.

Hold a pen and grab a paper. Write or scribble everything out.

You can also shout it out on top of a building or a mountain. Shout every hate, every pain.

You can call your trusted friend and just let her hear your cries, your sobs until she ran out of words to say.

Or… you can run to God. In this corner of your room, or inside the big church, on that side of the pew, where you’re almost hiding.

Cry it out to God. Pray with all that is left in your heart. Pour everything out.

In Him, you can be your self. Your broken, hurting self.

In Him, you don’t have to be afraid. You will not be judged. You can ask Him questions, whatever you have in your confused mind.

You can even ask Him of the pain that you are still feeling:

“Why does it still hurts in every corner of my heart?”

“Why can’t the memories just be erased? Why is my mind clouded with good memories that happened than the bad?”

“Why does it feels like he’s still holding my heart that he destroyed?”

“Why can’t I just get my heart back?”

“Why am I the only one left broken?”

“I am tired of feeling this pain, of feeling stuck, of feeling lost.”

“I am tired of hearing the opinion of others. I just want to heal. I just want to move forward. Why can’t they just leave me alone and let me move on?”

“I am tired of pretending that I am strong. That I am okay.  I just want to be okay. I’m tired of fooling myself, more than anyone else. I desperately want to be okay.”

“I am tired, Lord. I really am. Please take away every pain in me.”

Hey girl, take this time to lay everything down to God.

He wants your heart, no matter how broken you think it is. He wants all of it.

You don’t need to pretend to Him. He sees you, not just what you choose to show but every part in you. He sees your heart, your mind, your soul. He knows what you are thinking. He knows all of it (Psalm 139).

In the middle of the chaos in your heart and mind, He is there. Waiting for you to surrender everything. Every thought, every pain. Until there is nothing left that you’re holding back from Him.

He holds your past, present and future. He is in full control even when everything else feels like a mess.

Trust in Him with not just a portion of your heart, But with everything that you are. Every fiber of your being that He weaved together. He made you for a purpose, for His purpose. You have a beautiful life ahead of you, that is for sure – as long as you keep on trusting God and make Him the King of your heart.

The world can offer you solutions that seems to be attractive and effective. But dear, I hope you’ll know by heart that those are just temporary fix. Band aids to your open wounds. These are just another covers that will let your wounds fester. Leaving more wounds and longer time to heal.

I pray that you will keep on moving on the right way – the only way we can be truly free from the chains and hurts of the past. The only way to get rid of all the bitterness and unforgiveness in your heart. The only way to keep firm and strong inside no matter what it is the outside throws at you. No matter how much this world confuses you and pulls you back to the starting line. You will finish this race, stronger, braver and more faithful than ever.

Please always remember that you cannot do it all alone. God will put people in your way as His messengers, they are here to always point you to the Source of your strength, your Ultimate Healer, the only Source of the Perfect Love – Jesus Christ. But most importantly, God is giving you Himself. Any time and any where, He is there, waiting for you.

Walk with Him. Let Him in to your heart. Let Him heal you.

You don’t have to pretend anymore. Not to God, not to me, not to your friends and family and most importantly, not to yourself.

When you strip away every pretense, take off the masks and just come before God as you are, offering to Him nothing but your broken self, that’s when the healing begins.

You’ll get there, The Girl Who Is Still Hurting. Not because I said so, but because God said so. (Philippians 1:6)

Not because you are able, but because God is able. (Ephesians 3:20)

In exchange to your broken heart, He will provide you a new heart – a stonger kind, pure, not a hint of bitterness. The kind that only Jesus can provide.

Come now, The Girl who is Still Hurting. Let Jesus make you whole again.

“You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart.” – Jeremiah 29:13

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wound.” – Psalm 147:3

Rescuing Grace

When the thoughts of disobedience, the wasted time, efforts and opportunities comes, God’s grace rescues me. It humbles me every time, of this new chance, new life with Him. That I am experiencing life, heaven here on earth after everything I’ve been through, how far I wandered from Him.

 

God’s grace gets me everytime. I pray for this heart that always bow down and humbled by His grace. By Jesus finished worked in the cross and His finished work in my life and His on-going grace that sustains me, as He molds me into a woman that He desires me to be.

An Open Letter To The Guy Who He Once Was

I’m letting you go, slowly.

On each places we’ve been.

On every memories we’ve shared  that will often pop out of my head.

On each Star Wars item that I will see.

On each rose that I will notice.

On each bear figures that I will spot.

On every photo booths that I will pass by.

On every black Toyota Vios that I will see on the road.

On every paper flowers that I will find.

On every photos, poems, songs, movies and gestures that I will remember you.

 

There are still times when I will remember us.

And ask my self of what happened. And then I will ask God, “Why?”

He will eventually give me His answer.

Then I will start to be at peace again and continue on my journey of letting you go.

 

In my mind, you are still that guy.

The guy who loved me so much, even more than yourself.

The guy who fought for his love for me.

Who tried his hardest to prove that he is still fighting, and he is worth holding on to.

 

In my mind, you are still my dear friend.

Whom I  had so much compassion for. Who I wanted to see, soar high in confidence as you reach for your dreams and overcome your fears and doubts.

In my mind, you are still the man who deserves good things in life. Who deserves to know and discover himself, for who he truly is and who he is meant to be.

 

In my mind, I can still see the smile of  a man with a genuine heart.

A heart that is meant to be loved again, unconditionally, deeply, for who you will become, eventually, as you discover yourself.

 

You deserve to love again, with everything you’ve got.

Just as long as you are sure that you can take care of yourself, of your own heart. And I still believe that it takes a team to take care of one’s heart – a team of you and God.

 

I truly believe that you did what you can to fulfill your promise of protecting my heart – even until the very last.

You protected my heart from the deeper pain, from losing myself entirely in the relationship, from settling for something I don’t deserve.

And with that, I thank God and I thank you.

 

I am sorry for every mistakes that I did and for what I’ve been.

For failing you.

For hurting you.

For the unsaid issues between us.

For the unkept promises.

I didn’t intend to hurt you in any possible way that I did.

I am sorry for my selfishness and immaturity.

I’m sorry for not being the best partner to you.

I’m sorry for not being the friend that you need.

I’m sorry, deeply, I am.

 

Sometimes, I still have my “had beens” and “what ifs”.

But always, I surrender every thought to God and continue to trust His plans, promises and purpose.

I am slowly, sometimes painfully, but surely, letting go of you and my love for you.

I know, that you are long gone.

Thank you for the memories. Thank you for loving me with all your heart and all that you are, once upon a time. Thank you for the lessons. Thank you for trying.

I entrust you to God. I already surrendered you, to Him.

 

And I know, that the person that you are now is a different man. And to the person that you are now:

I pray that God will always show Himself to you. And that you will find God in everything, like you used to tell me before.

I pray that you will not stop being kind.

I pray that you will surrender your heart to Him, too.

I pray that you will move on the right way.

I pray that you will forgive yourself and forgive me too, completely, in His time.

I pray that you will discover yourself fully, and that you will eventually know by heart that you are enough.

I pray nothing, but the best for you.

You are forgiven, long time ago. I have no bitterness left, only by God’s help.

And I know, as I continue on this journey of trusting God in this process, I can fully let go of you. Of my love to the man that you used to be.

 

“But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead,  I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” – Philippians 3:13-14

The Meeting

It was on the same familiar place, where the scheduled meeting took place and he’s an attendee too.

I went with anticipation, whispering to God on every step as I come closer to the building, to the floor, then finally to the room.

Like the previous time, I came to God for strength and found this verse:

“I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.” – Genesis 28:15

He has been faithful and has been with me on every stage of my life, and through this verse, I held on to the hope that no matter how difficult, awkward or uncomfortable the situation can get, God will see me through. He will watch over me and bring me back on my “safe place” – where there is no discomfort, only the warmth of His Presence.

Armed by God’s promise and the “will” for that day (attend a meeting, do my best at it, then exit after), I continued and found myself inside that meeting room. I tried to make myself comfortable as much as I can, laughed, talked with colleagues.

Then people started to enter the room, one by one, until he came. Sat across me, I avoided his gaze. I just focused on the meeting, followed the flow and then as I’m listening to the person beside him, I chanced upon glancing at him. Then I saw…

A stranger. Someone I do not know, someone I haven’t met yet. It was still the person, his old habits, how he looks like and all. But for some unknown reasons, I knew it was not the man whom I loved dearly, shared fond memories with, who made me feel so alive and happy.

At that moment, I realized that the man whom I loved is really gone. 

Without a hope of that man, coming back. I saw him on that meeting like I saw a stranger, a new colleague perhaps. The feeling was familiar, like the first time that we met in a meeting years ago. 

And eventually, I realized that I can fully let go of my love for this man whom he “once was”.

This stranger is a new person in my “work life”, just that. No more, and no less.

There were still memories of this man, but again, those are just simply memories. Long gone – and now, there’s no value and no life in these once beautiful memories, with the man who he once was.

Crazy thoughts and ideas came up on my head, the temptation to look back and hope for something more was there. But having realized that this man who he once was, was long gone, I saw no point. Indeed, God saw me through. He saw the temptation to dwell on the memories, to the man he used to be, my life with this man, yet He was with me. Held me through the entire time and didn’t allow me to fall into temptation.

“I am confident in the Lord that you will take no other view. The one who is throwing you into confusion, whoever that may be, will have to pay the penalty.” – Galatians 5:10

Determined to just keep this “stranger/new colleague” in my work life only. And not letting the “one who is throwing me into confusion”- the enemy, to distract me from the truth God revealed me.

God reminded me of the new heart He provided me, of my new story that He is writing. And this time, my desire is to keep on walking upright. To not grab the pen from His hands as my flesh pleases and to just let Him lead my life again and continuously. As I trust my Healer, my Savior, my Promise Keeper and fixing my eyes on Jesus – my Author and the perfecter of my faith – all by God’s grace.

“Fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith.” – Hebrews 12:2a

 

An Open Letter To The Girl I Once Was

It’s okay. Be still.  Cry your heart out.

It’s okay to mourn the loss.

It’s okay to grieve.

You just lost the love of your life. Your world. You may not feel and see it now because the pain is so overwhelming, so consuming, but you know in your heart that it’s all for the best.

You may get angry, bitter, but eventually, you will realize that it will not help you to move forward the right way. It will only keep you from experiencing God’s best.

I know, you have a lot in your mind. You are confused, doubting, you feel like you’re at the end of your rope.

Woke up in the middle of the night, crying – No, wailing. Not just sobs but a mournful cry. With shouting and pleading to God to stop the pain. You lamented the sudden loss of your “world” then, of the grief that seemed to consume your whole being. The pain feels like it’s beyond physical and emotional. You were crushed. Beaten down. Every part of you is aching and so desperately wanting to end the torment. But do not know how to.

2 hours of sleep, 1 meal a day, countless thoughts.

That’s fine. You will need to get up eventually and cope up, re-gain the strength that you need to face another day.

There are the  worst moments when you blamed yourself, you had self-doubts and many “what-ifs”, you wondered what’s wrong with you. You had your fair share of regrets:

“If I’ve been more of this, more of that. ”

“It’s my fault he got tired, it’s my fault that he gave up.”

You even questioned if you really are meant to fail on this area. If you really are not enough, if you really are not worth fighting for.

You tried to bargain, to think that you still can fight.

That the relationship is still worth saving. You want to fight, with every last bit of strength that you have.

You want to save the relationship, it’s understandable.

After all, it’s the relationship that you thought will last. That you thought will be your last.

You’ve invested so much already, you saw your future with him. You thought he’s the one. Your answered prayer, so you thought.

Despite everything, you still saw him worth fighting for, you are willing to compromise just to save your “everything”.

But eventually, you will realize that the relationship is not what’s worth saving. It is each others being.

His life is what’s meant to be saved. What is destined to be himself in the future. That is the opportunity that he deserve to have. For him to discover who he really is, without you in his life.

Your life is what’s meant to be saved. The beautiful future that awaits you. The relationship that has eternal value. Your relationship with your Savior.

So you called on your Savior, desperately, you cling. And He welcomed you with arms wide open. Promised to provide you a new heart, in exchange to your broken, crushed heart. Every bit, every last piece.

Then you started to feel a little bit stronger, each moment that you surrender. Your weakness in exchange for His strength.

This strength is what it takes for you to delete those memories, those pictures, to re-collect all the tangibles things that holds memory – and give them back to him.

Though you had your “weak moments”, you still fail sometimes, but you know better now. Eventually, everything becomes clearer as God unfolds your story. As He revealed the purpose of your pain.

And you will realize, that the pain is only temporary. And the joy that is coming is much greater than the pain you’ve experienced.

You will see the love of people around you, their comfort and support.

You will know that you are enough. For a heart that is meant to love you – at your best and most especially at your worst.

You will know that you are complete, even broken. You are secured in His love.

You will look back from your past and see how God moved in your life.  How He rescued you from yourself and wrong decisions since Day 1.

And you will be reminded of who you were before you met him.

You will realize that if God can heal you before, He can do it again – even more. If you just surrender and entrust to Him everything again.

You will eventually discover what you gained on losing him. And it’s far more precious than what was lost.

You gained the strength that you never thought you could have. To accomplish things that seemed to be difficult.

You gained security that is not based on your own doing or success. Not from the voice or words of anyone else that can falter, but the security that is based on your identity as a daughter of a Father who loves you dearly and wants nothing but the best for you.

“I’ll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home. I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.” – Jeremiah 29:11

You gained yourself back. Your faith in Your God. A new heart. An undivided heart.

You gained the confidence and dependence on the One that will never fail you. You learned to trust God with everything you’ve got.

You gained experiences and lessons that are worth keeping and will last a lifetime.

You gained opportunities to show more love, compassion in this world full of hurt.

You gained Christ.

Be Still, The Girl I was Once, you are in the hands of Your Creator, Your Savior. He made you for His purpose, He knows you best. You can rest in the fact that You have a new life, a new heart and a beautiful journey ahead of you.

You may not have it all together, you may still have your weak moments and dark nights, but You are on your way to complete healing.

You’re inside the will of God – and that’s the best place you could ever be.

“What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord” – Philippians 3:8a

Familiar Place 

Today, I went back to a familiar place. The place where everything started, the place where a lot of memories took place. Mostly beautiful, romantic. It’s still all fresh in my head like it just happened yesterday. Bit by bit, it all came back. *cue Celine Dion *

On my way to Makati, I am feeling anxious, scared, like i don’t know what to expect.  I keep on looking for God for encouragements, listened to worship songs, revisited His words for me. I was reminded of The Message version of Zepanniah 3:16-17

 Jerusalem will be told: “Don’t be afraid. Dear Zion, don’t despair. Your God is present among you, a strong Warrior there to save you. Happy to have you back, he’ll calm you with his love and delight you with his songs.” 

I held on to this verse, despite of various memories popping out of my head. 

I entered the room, like entering a battle court, with anticipation of seeing him again. I wondered how he looks now, how well he is. There i was, walking on the aisle, eyes fixed on my destination, tempted to look around, on his old work desk. My gaze were met by people surrounded most of his time, saw new faces, some felt like old characters from a chapter that ended. 

Found myself clinging to my bag, like I cling to my God. I keep my head high,  I was focused, with my goal in mind to just do the will of God for that day: to have a meeting, do my best at it and then exit the building after.

As i reached the meeting room, we had to wait for a while. Even with people attempted to distract me, i keep myself focused and tried to remain composed, smile and make my self comfortable as much as I can. 

Then we had to walk back on that aisle and exit the room to proceed to another one. There i was, facing the same place with familiar sight, but eyes focused on the exit door. 

I saw familiar view on meeting rooms, I know and can picture in my head the beautiful, romantic memories. I can even remember the words we uttered on that room, but what I am feeling as I went back on that place is peace. I knew it happened, but I also knew it doesn’t matter anymore. Those memories do not hold any value in my life now and in my future.  

On the car going back, as I passed by the streets that once witnessed our story, I knew they happened, but those are simply just memories. No value on these sights anymore. Like the place is welcoming me to witness new memories on my new story. I look beyond the place and saw the transformation that God is doing in me. Had a glimpse of my old self then, and what i am now, back then I saw the happy Mai, in love. But that happiness is fleeting, incomplete compared to the joy that I have now. The joy that comes from the Lord. The peace and joy is unexplainable, it comes from the inside. Inward source that no matter what’s happening outside, I still feel complete, secured, loved, joyful, only by God’s grace. 💕