Rescuing Grace

When the thoughts of disobedience, the wasted time, efforts and opportunities comes, God’s grace rescues me. It humbles me every time, of this new chance, new life with Him. That I am experiencing life, heaven here on earth after everything I’ve been through, how far I wandered from Him.

 

God’s grace gets me everytime. I pray for this heart that always bow down and humbled by His grace. By Jesus finished worked in the cross and His finished work in my life and His on-going grace that sustains me, as He molds me into a woman that He desires me to be.

An Open Letter To The Guy Who He Once Was

I’m letting you go, slowly.

On each places we’ve been.

On every memories we’ve shared  that will often pop out of my head.

On each Star Wars item that I will see.

On each rose that I will notice.

On each bear figures that I will spot.

On every photo booths that I will pass by.

On every black Toyota Vios that I will see on the road.

On every paper flowers that I will find.

On every photos, poems, songs, movies and gestures that I will remember you.

 

There are still times when I will remember us.

And ask my self of what happened. And then I will ask God, “Why?”

He will eventually give me His answer.

Then I will start to be at peace again and continue on my journey of letting you go.

 

In my mind, you are still that guy.

The guy who loved me so much, even more than yourself.

The guy who fought for his love for me.

Who tried his hardest to prove that he is still fighting, and he is worth holding on to.

 

In my mind, you are still my dear friend.

Whom I  had so much compassion for. Who I wanted to see, soar high in confidence as you reach for your dreams and overcome your fears and doubts.

In my mind, you are still the man who deserves good things in life. Who deserves to know and discover himself, for who he truly is and who he is meant to be.

 

In my mind, I can still see the smile of  a man with a genuine heart.

A heart that is meant to be loved again, unconditionally, deeply, for who you will become, eventually, as you discover yourself.

 

You deserve to love again, with everything you’ve got.

Just as long as you are sure that you can take care of yourself, of your own heart. And I still believe that it takes a team to take care of one’s heart – a team of you and God.

 

I truly believe that you did what you can to fulfill your promise of protecting my heart – even until the very last.

You protected my heart from the deeper pain, from losing myself entirely in the relationship, from settling for something I don’t deserve.

And with that, I thank God and I thank you.

 

I am sorry for every mistakes that I did and for what I’ve been.

For failing you.

For hurting you.

For the unsaid issues between us.

For the unkept promises.

I didn’t intend to hurt you in any possible way that I did.

I am sorry for my selfishness and immaturity.

I’m sorry for not being the best partner to you.

I’m sorry for not being the friend that you need.

I’m sorry, deeply, I am.

 

Sometimes, I still have my “had beens” and “what ifs”.

But always, I surrender every thought to God and continue to trust His plans, promises and purpose.

I am slowly, sometimes painfully, but surely, letting go of you and my love for you.

I know, that you are long gone.

Thank you for the memories. Thank you for loving me with all your heart and all that you are, once upon a time. Thank you for the lessons. Thank you for trying.

I entrust you to God. I already surrendered you, to Him.

 

And I know, that the person that you are now is a different man. And to the person that you are now:

I pray that God will always show Himself to you. And that you will find God in everything, like you used to tell me before.

I pray that you will not stop being kind.

I pray that you will surrender your heart to Him, too.

I pray that you will move on the right way.

I pray that you will forgive yourself and forgive me too, completely, in His time.

I pray that you will discover yourself fully, and that you will eventually know by heart that you are enough.

I pray nothing, but the best for you.

You are forgiven, long time ago. I have no bitterness left, only by God’s help.

And I know, as I continue on this journey of trusting God in this process, I can fully let go of you. Of my love to the man that you used to be.

 

“But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead,  I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” – Philippians 3:13-14

The Meeting

It was on the same familiar place, where the scheduled meeting took place and he’s an attendee too.

I went with anticipation, whispering to God on every step as I come closer to the building, to the floor, then finally to the room.

Like the previous time, I came to God for strength and found this verse:

“I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.” – Genesis 28:15

He has been faithful and has been with me on every stage of my life, and through this verse, I held on to the hope that no matter how difficult, awkward or uncomfortable the situation can get, God will see me through. He will watch over me and bring me back on my “safe place” – where there is no discomfort, only the warmth of His Presence.

Armed by God’s promise and the “will” for that day (attend a meeting, do my best at it, then exit after), I continued and found myself inside that meeting room. I tried to make myself comfortable as much as I can, laughed, talked with colleagues.

Then people started to enter the room, one by one, until he came. Sat across me, I avoided his gaze. I just focused on the meeting, followed the flow and then as I’m listening to the person beside him, I chanced upon glancing at him. Then I saw…

A stranger. Someone I do not know, someone I haven’t met yet. It was still the person, his old habits, how he looks like and all. But for some unknown reasons, I knew it was not the man whom I loved dearly, shared fond memories with, who made me feel so alive and happy.

At that moment, I realized that the man whom I loved is really gone. 

Without a hope of that man, coming back. I saw him on that meeting like I saw a stranger, a new colleague perhaps. The feeling was familiar, like the first time that we met in a meeting years ago. 

And eventually, I realized that I can fully let go of my love for this man whom he “once was”.

This stranger is a new person in my “work life”, just that. No more, and no less.

There were still memories of this man, but again, those are just simply memories. Long gone – and now, there’s no value and no life in these once beautiful memories, with the man who he once was.

Crazy thoughts and ideas came up on my head, the temptation to look back and hope for something more was there. But having realized that this man who he once was, was long gone, I saw no point. Indeed, God saw me through. He saw the temptation to dwell on the memories, to the man he used to be, my life with this man, yet He was with me. Held me through the entire time and didn’t allow me to fall into temptation.

“I am confident in the Lord that you will take no other view. The one who is throwing you into confusion, whoever that may be, will have to pay the penalty.” – Galatians 5:10

Determined to just keep this “stranger/new colleague” in my work life only. And not letting the “one who is throwing me into confusion”- the enemy, to distract me from the truth God revealed me.

God reminded me of the new heart He provided me, of my new story that He is writing. And this time, my desire is to keep on walking upright. To not grab the pen from His hands as my flesh pleases and to just let Him lead my life again and continuously. As I trust my Healer, my Savior, my Promise Keeper and fixing my eyes on Jesus – my Author and the perfecter of my faith – all by God’s grace.

“Fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith.” – Hebrews 12:2a

 

An Open Letter To The Girl I Once Was

It’s okay. Be still.  Cry your heart out.

It’s okay to mourn the loss.

It’s okay to grieve.

You just lost the love of your life. Your world. You may not feel and see it now because the pain is so overwhelming, so consuming, but you know in your heart that it’s all for the best.

You may get angry, bitter, but eventually, you will realize that it will not help you to move forward the right way. It will only keep you from experiencing God’s best.

I know, you have a lot in your mind. You are confused, doubting, you feel like you’re at the end of your rope.

Woke up in the middle of the night, crying – No, wailing. Not just sobs but a mournful cry. With shouting and pleading to God to stop the pain. You lamented the sudden loss of your “world” then, of the grief that seemed to consume your whole being. The pain feels like it’s beyond physical and emotional. You were crushed. Beaten down. Every part of you is aching and so desperately wanting to end the torment. But do not know how to.

2 hours of sleep, 1 meal a day, countless thoughts.

That’s fine. You will need to get up eventually and cope up, re-gain the strength that you need to face another day.

There are the  worst moments when you blamed yourself, you had self-doubts and many “what-ifs”, you wondered what’s wrong with you. You had your fair share of regrets:

“If I’ve been more of this, more of that. ”

“It’s my fault he got tired, it’s my fault that he gave up.”

You even questioned if you really are meant to fail on this area. If you really are not enough, if you really are not worth fighting for.

You tried to bargain, to think that you still can fight.

That the relationship is still worth saving. You want to fight, with every last bit of strength that you have.

You want to save the relationship, it’s understandable.

After all, it’s the relationship that you thought will last. That you thought will be your last.

You’ve invested so much already, you saw your future with him. You thought he’s the one. Your answered prayer, so you thought.

Despite everything, you still saw him worth fighting for, you are willing to compromise just to save your “everything”.

But eventually, you will realize that the relationship is not what’s worth saving. It is each others being.

His life is what’s meant to be saved. What is destined to be himself in the future. That is the opportunity that he deserve to have. For him to discover who he really is, without you in his life.

Your life is what’s meant to be saved. The beautiful future that awaits you. The relationship that has eternal value. Your relationship with your Savior.

So you called on your Savior, desperately, you cling. And He welcomed you with arms wide open. Promised to provide you a new heart, in exchange to your broken, crushed heart. Every bit, every last piece.

Then you started to feel a little bit stronger, each moment that you surrender. Your weakness in exchange for His strength.

This strength is what it takes for you to delete those memories, those pictures, to re-collect all the tangibles things that holds memory – and give them back to him.

Though you had your “weak moments”, you still fail sometimes, but you know better now. Eventually, everything becomes clearer as God unfolds your story. As He revealed the purpose of your pain.

And you will realize, that the pain is only temporary. And the joy that is coming is much greater than the pain you’ve experienced.

You will see the love of people around you, their comfort and support.

You will know that you are enough. For a heart that is meant to love you – at your best and most especially at your worst.

You will know that you are complete, even broken. You are secured in His love.

You will look back from your past and see how God moved in your life.  How He rescued you from yourself and wrong decisions since Day 1.

And you will be reminded of who you were before you met him.

You will realize that if God can heal you before, He can do it again – even more. If you just surrender and entrust to Him everything again.

You will eventually discover what you gained on losing him. And it’s far more precious than what was lost.

You gained the strength that you never thought you could have. To accomplish things that seemed to be difficult.

You gained security that is not based on your own doing or success. Not from the voice or words of anyone else that can falter, but the security that is based on your identity as a daughter of a Father who loves you dearly and wants nothing but the best for you.

“I’ll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home. I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.” – Jeremiah 29:11

You gained yourself back. Your faith in Your God. A new heart. An undivided heart.

You gained the confidence and dependence on the One that will never fail you. You learned to trust God with everything you’ve got.

You gained experiences and lessons that are worth keeping and will last a lifetime.

You gained opportunities to show more love, compassion in this world full of hurt.

You gained Christ.

Be Still, The Girl I was Once, you are in the hands of Your Creator, Your Savior. He made you for His purpose, He knows you best. You can rest in the fact that You have a new life, a new heart and a beautiful journey ahead of you.

You may not have it all together, you may still have your weak moments and dark nights, but You are on your way to complete healing.

You’re inside the will of God – and that’s the best place you could ever be.

“What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord” – Philippians 3:8a

Familiar Place 

Today, I went back to a familiar place. The place where everything started, the place where a lot of memories took place. Mostly beautiful, romantic. It’s still all fresh in my head like it just happened yesterday. Bit by bit, it all came back. *cue Celine Dion *

On my way to Makati, I am feeling anxious, scared, like i don’t know what to expect.  I keep on looking for God for encouragements, listened to worship songs, revisited His words for me. I was reminded of The Message version of Zepanniah 3:16-17

 Jerusalem will be told: “Don’t be afraid. Dear Zion, don’t despair. Your God is present among you, a strong Warrior there to save you. Happy to have you back, he’ll calm you with his love and delight you with his songs.” 

I held on to this verse, despite of various memories popping out of my head. 

I entered the room, like entering a battle court, with anticipation of seeing him again. I wondered how he looks now, how well he is. There i was, walking on the aisle, eyes fixed on my destination, tempted to look around, on his old work desk. My gaze were met by people surrounded most of his time, saw new faces, some felt like old characters from a chapter that ended. 

Found myself clinging to my bag, like I cling to my God. I keep my head high,  I was focused, with my goal in mind to just do the will of God for that day: to have a meeting, do my best at it and then exit the building after.

As i reached the meeting room, we had to wait for a while. Even with people attempted to distract me, i keep myself focused and tried to remain composed, smile and make my self comfortable as much as I can. 

Then we had to walk back on that aisle and exit the room to proceed to another one. There i was, facing the same place with familiar sight, but eyes focused on the exit door. 

I saw familiar view on meeting rooms, I know and can picture in my head the beautiful, romantic memories. I can even remember the words we uttered on that room, but what I am feeling as I went back on that place is peace. I knew it happened, but I also knew it doesn’t matter anymore. Those memories do not hold any value in my life now and in my future.  

On the car going back, as I passed by the streets that once witnessed our story, I knew they happened, but those are simply just memories. No value on these sights anymore. Like the place is welcoming me to witness new memories on my new story. I look beyond the place and saw the transformation that God is doing in me. Had a glimpse of my old self then, and what i am now, back then I saw the happy Mai, in love. But that happiness is fleeting, incomplete compared to the joy that I have now. The joy that comes from the Lord. The peace and joy is unexplainable, it comes from the inside. Inward source that no matter what’s happening outside, I still feel complete, secured, loved, joyful, only by God’s grace. 💕

I Will Never Pursue You

This greatly reminded, convicted me the role of women in dating. That I, myself, have to wait, actively. Seeking God, with all my heart. Fulfilling the purpose of which my Creator has planned for me. Becoming a better woman, for the Lover of my soul, and for my future godly man. ♥

ARABY

Maybe I’m beginning to like you a lot,
but I will never pursue you.
 
 
Around me, I’m tempted by all these pawns
calling me to use them,
looking me in the eye, saying
maybe you and I can ”accidentally” bump into each other in a coffee shop;
maybe we can schedule “friendly dates” with a bunch of conniving friends;
maybe I can start “innocent” topics with you over that gleaming chat box,
ask you things that no one would brand as bad,
I can even send you “wrong sends.”
But even this early, I realized
that albeit pawns are the most numerous pieces in a game,
at the end of the day,
they are but
the weakest.

 first-line-pawn--large-msg-1133112801-2
 
























Don’t get me wrong -
I want to be with you.
Just to get to know you more,
I am ready to manipulate
so many things -
things…

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God does things Accordingly

“Still, give thanks to God, for He is not a God who does things randomly. In every situation, He acts accordingly to promote you and bring you to a ‘better good.’ He does not leave you stuck in your troubles.”
     –  Pam Carbungco
The moment when you realized that God is sovereign still, in the midst of your confusion, rebel states, stubbornness, He still has full control over your life. And He does not allow things to happen randomly, I can only imagine just how much He was hurting by the bad decisions that I’ve made in the past, but still, He allowed it for the “better good”. For me to come to this state of helplessness and awe of His love, mercy and grace.
You are good, Lord. You are good.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. – Romans 8:28
control